Sunday, 1 June 2014

A certain darkness is needed to see the stars...

Hey there,

Long time no speak I hear you say? Well, I don't actually as it has been so long since I fell off the face of the earth that any kind souls who ever took a vague interest in 'From the Heart' may have long since forgotten they did.

Nevertheless, I thought I owed the 'blogosphere' and indeed myself, a little explanation so grab a cuppa (and a stale Hob Knob in my case….) and get comfy.

So, having brought in the New Year together (with celebrations that frankly, we have no recollection of), Caitie and I vowed to make this, 2014, 'Our Year'. We had big plans and positivity in abundance (unusual, given our propensity to be a couple of cynical critters….). Unfortunately the Universe (if you will…) had other plans.

Those who know me will know that I am, on occasion, a little accident prone. I always thought that my nearest and dearest were being unreasonable in their assertions but, when I returned from Vegas in 2012 on crutches, I began to realise that yes, perhaps my mother was right, I was more than averagely unlucky.

It was not altogether surprising then that this February, I managed to completely snap a ligament in my knee. Friends, the sound that made is not something I will (ever) forget. Ouchie. Suffice to say, this put me (back) on crutches for the best part of 3 months, took away most all of my independence as I was no longer able to do the simplest of things and ultimately, required reconstructive surgery to correct. As I write to you now though, I am three weeks post op and there were no complications so woohoo! Progress and a cool scar - I'll take that.

Given the months (and months) of physio ahead of me yet, I fully understand that in fact, this will probably be even more challenging than sustaining the injury itself, mainly because of the sheer force of will power required to push past the pain and the weakness and through the frustration. But Big Mama Universe, I now get what you were doing and that makes all of what has gone and is still to come kind of ok.

I realise now that despite my best intentions and plans for 2014, while my anxiety was more or less in check, I was not in a good place (head space, whatever you want to call it). I was not training, I was eating and sleeping badly, dissatisfied at work and in my relationship and was very much just muddling through, just trying to 'carry on' if you will.

This little set back however forced me to stop that though, quite simply because I couldn't 'carry on' anymore. I had to take a step back (well a hobble really) to focus on, well, me. 'Enough is enough' my body was saying; 'stop paying so much attention to everyone else and start paying attention to me Godamnit!' So, I'll admit, I told a lot of people and their problems to sod off and did just that. With an equal measure of support and irritation from my nearest and dearest (#ACL…), my recovery and rehabilitation, both before and after the operation have pretty much been my life these last few months.

It has been, and I guess will continue to be, a tough old slog but when it's all said and done, I think I will be glad it happened. Mostly because it taught me to love my body again, not for what it looks like (mate, I am a lonnnng way off that kinda love!) but for what it does and how strong (and clever!) it really is. Sure, I still drink a little more Bombay Sapphire than I should and I enjoy a Vogue menthol as much as the next person (actually, apparently not many do, but that's beside the point), so there is a way to go yet before I make the cut as a self professed health nut. But, I care more now. More about myself.

Re-enter 'From the Heart'. With the encouragement of my sister, blogging was something I started a little under a year ago, just for me and the stars in my eyes. While the hiatus I have taken from it has made me sad, it has also re-awoken in me that spark, that summin' summin' and that va va voom that has made me want to write again. About what? Who knows, lets see where this goes shall we?

I hope it'll have been worth the wait.

All my love always,

from the heart,




  1. I love, LOVE this post... Your words are really inspiring and I think will make a lot of us think about taking time to work out what we need... Love you so much Chris xxx

  2. You sisters are too damn cute for your own good. Heal up Christie! Us Dutfields are routing for you from across the ocean. Keep these posts coming - I always love to hear your news. With love, xoxo Laura

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